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It has been 5 days so far since I have decided to take rest from exercise fully. The only things I have been doing are walks and little hikes at a slow relaxed pace. I am hoping this will help me physically, especially my injury, and mentally. I know that I have a bad relationship with exercise and it is unhealthy. It was a hard decision to take on this challenge due to many reasons, but I knew I had to do it in order to do what I want to do in the long run. 5 days was my first goal, but I know that I need to keep going with the rest. I still am unsure of how long I will be on this break. I need to get mentally and physically ready. I am unsure of how to tell when that will be, but I know its not time now.
So far these 5 days have actually not been as hard as I thought they would be. I have realized that I actually do NOT want to exercise everyday, and that in the past I was doing it because I though I had to (ED related). I have enjoyed going on my walks and just enjoying the snow, fresh air, making snow angles, and peacefulness. When I walk I now am not doing it just purely to exercise. I am doing it because it brings me happiness. There are parts of me that do think I need to walk just to burn of those little bit of calories, but I have to challenge those thoughts and walk for the right reasons.
My eating has stayed exactly the same as it was when I was exercising. I am still as hungry and I have not tried to eat less. I have thought about it though. All I am trying to do is listen to my body and trust it. It kind of makes me nervous that I am still eating a ton and some of it is not all healthy. There are thoughts about weigh gain and my tummy getting bigger. But I try and rationalize those thoughts. So what if I gain weight? What does that mean? NOTHING. That is what I try and tell myself.
Everything is just so unknown right now that it scares me.
I do not know how long it will take to heal this injury
I am unsure of what to do to heal it
I am unsure if walking on it is making it worse
I am unsure of how to be eating
I am unsure of how long I need to be on this break
I am unsure of what I will do when get back into exercising
I am unsure of when to start exercising again
All these thoughts are going through my head. I am trying to focus on the NOW and be present. I need to just take it day by day and not worry about the future or else I will be overwhelmed. It is such a hard mental battle, but I know I need it. This break is going to drastically help me with my ED recovery. I no longer have exercise as a way to please ED.
So I am going to continue on with my break for now, try and do what’s best for my body, listen to my hungry, listen to my body, be positive, and live in the now.
I have finally decided to make a change. I have been telling myself for so long that I need to do something to change myself. I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where it is going. I was not happy with it so I finally did something about it. In the past I would listen to the voice inside my head and did whatever to please ED*. But, not now. I am doing what is best for ME and no one else. It is ridiculous how long it has taken for me to realize how much damage I have caused my body. Both mentally and physically.
If you have been following me, you will know that I am struggling with an injury I have had for about 8 months now. For a long time doctors could not figure out what was wrong...I had x-rays, a bone scan, and an MRI. It has been a very frustrating 8 months. I never really gave myself full rest. I stopped running for a while and just did upper body then I got back into trying to do cardio and legs. MISTAKE after MISTAKE! So now I have done some research and I think I have tendinosis in both high hamstrings. My trainer here at school ( I used to run for my college) believes that is the case also. For the past few days I have just been doing upper body lifting, but I have come to find that I think even doing upper body impacts my injury. So today after I lifted I decided to finally take a FULL exercise break. This is something my body has been craving for so long now. There is a part of me that think I do not need this, but deep down I know I do. My first goal is 5 days then hopefully a week and I will go from there.
This is going to be very hard mentally for me for many reasons, especially ED. But it is time to let him go and do what is best for me. I worry about my body changing and food but I know that there is no need for that. It will be in the back of my head, but I am going to chose to ignore and do what is best. Which is rest and to nourish my body fully.
I am hoping to do more posting on my blog and now that I have more time hopefully I will! Check back for updates and other posts. Hope all is well.